Spectator Sport

                                                                UNCLE BILLY THINKS
                                                              Ravings of a mad man...

A few years back I was putting a new rubber roof on  my home.  My 30 yr old neighbor, tenant and and friend was on the roof lending some help.  We began talking about my lack of a cell phone and computer.  At the time I was still resisting getting a computer.  I told him if I had one I'd probably spend all my time watching internet porn anyway.   He gave me a strange look and I said, "You'll find out!  When you reach a certain point in life sex becomes a spectator sport."   laughter

Cleanliness next to godliness?

                                                              UNCLE BILLY THINKS
                                                           

Last night a very close friend of mine who nearly died last year said when she thought it was over her last thought was, "At least I won't have to clean that basement!"  She said  a voice said it's not your time yet.

I told her if you saw my basement you would understand, why in the same circumstances I'd have said."TAKE ME NOW!!!   "TAKE ME NOW!!!!

How to eliminate unpaid bills

                                                           UNCLE BILLY THINKS

                                                                                                                                                                                  
We all worry about dealing with those " stacks of unpaid bills."  Unlike the financial advisors who offer complicated plans and suggestions,  I have developed a very simple one that works for me.  I find the easiest way for me, is to pay the ones I have money to pay.....and throw the others away.

It has been my experience that they will always send you another for next month's stack.

Parental Dating Advice

                                                                     Uncle Billy Thinks

Parents need to talk to their children more!        A little good advice can go a long way.         For example,
I used to remind my son every time before he went out,  "The secret to a good date does not involve
Duct Tape!"

Never Spend Your Last Dollar on Beer!

                                                                   Uncle Billy Thinks

At the Pub, the bar I go to three nights a week and write in my journal; a large drought beer cost $1.00.

Last night I went to the bar to get a beer.  An old white alcoholic who is a "regular" ask me to spot him a beer.  Since he never asked before, I said, "Sure" and ordered him one too.  I looked on the bar and saw he had a dollar laying in front of him.  I asked , "What's wrong with your dollar?"   He answered, "It's my last one!"     I learned a valuable lesson, never spend your last dollar on a beer!

Time flies when you're having fun?

 

That's what we were always told and it held true, but as my time passed I realized something which I often  shared with my son.   WHEN YOU REACH A CERTAIN POINT IN LIFE TIME FLIES EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT HAVING FUN!!!

Got Class?

                                                                       Uncle Billy Thinks

Class is about conduct.   I used to tell my son, "No matter how much or how little you have, if you act like trash you are trash.            I wish someone would have told those "real housewives" that.

 

It could be worse

                                                                        Uncle Billy Thinks
                                                                               

        I asked a man in my favorite bar how he was doing.   He said, "I'm still above ground."

Glad the world is Round

                                                                    Uncle Billy Thinks                                                                                         

I'm glad the world is round, because if you go the wrong way long enough it becomes the right way.

Christmas or Holiday Tree

                                                     Uncle Billy Thinks

Well, I spazzed out on the Face book thing today.  While I don't claim to be a Christian, I do believe the teachings of Christ are good to live by and am bewildered that people who proudly wear the label spend so much time fretting and getting themselves fired up over silly things that have nothing to do with living a Christlike life.(I know, run on sentence-so give me a "c").   Every year while the less fortunate go without and those who have, have and want desperately for more; so called Christians start harping about those of us who use Xmas or Holiday.   Every year there is a Democrat in the White House some God fearing Christian decides to break the 9th commandment and say the White House brazenly called the 'Christ'mas tree a  Holiday tree.  I guess breaking  9th commandment is a small price to pay to stir up some hate against the President.  Someone on my "friends" network posted this "holiday or Christmas" tree silliness and this was my response(more or less):

                                      This is not  a "holiday tree"    It's a Christmas tree!      Agree?

Well Christmas is a Holiday.  Why not call it a Christmas Holiday tree or a Holiday Christmas tree or a Victorian Holiday Christmas tree or a German tradition Victorian Holiday Christmas tree or perhaps a Winter Solstice German tradition Victorian Holiday Christmas tree.   We might also call it an evergreen tree or a Norway spruce tree or a Frazer Pine tree or a fake Frazer Pine no smell Holiday Christmas tree with baubles or a Natural Frazer Fir with smell Christmas Holiday Soltice tree with lights, beads and baubles tree.
I'm sure I missed a few.  Don't we have more "Christian" things to work on than what we call a tree?   Do we really think Christ would give a damn what we called a tree he never even saw.  A tree that was only a part of our Christian tradition for about 150 years.   So Merry Christmas lets focus on helping our needy.

Going to Los Vegas for 30 Days"

                                                                       Uncle Billy Thinks

 

I have been on a quest for about a year to try to be a better person.   I have started keeping a journal and I am trying to overcome my tendency to be so judgmental.  I have been going to a little sports bar downtown. Where I can get a 12oz. draught beer for $l.00.  I write in my journal (loud rapp music in the background), drink two beers, tip Olivia the bar maid $1.00 and leave.  During my time there I have met a crack dealer, crack heads, 1 whore and a lot of good of good hardworking underpaid people.   I have made some good friends.     That's enough background for now.  One night (before I learned her line of work) this tiny little Puerto Rican woman I had noticed before came over to me and in a very animated way said, "This town isn't big enough for me!  I need a much bigger city!  Someplace exciting!   This town isn't big enough!    "I'm going to Los Vegas for 30 days!!!

To this day I still don't know her name or why she decided to tell me of her travel plans.  I gave her the required attention and diligently began again writing in my journal so as not to get any more details.

I thought about her plans and something just didn't seem right.  I thought the next time I see her I going to have some fun and kid her about it.   A night or two later I saw her and said,   "You know how you told me you were going to Los Vegas for 30 days.  I bet you're going to Dauphin County Prison for 30 days."

I was just kidding, but judging from how mad she got, I'm pretty sure I was right.   I realized what was strange about what she said.  Who says he or she is going anywhere for 30 days unless it involves iron bars.

When I learned of her occupation and talked to some of my other friends I'm sure I was right.

I learned from this that if I have to serve 30 days in prison and don't want anyone to know, I'll tell them I'm going on a long vacation and I'll be gone around a month.    "BUT I WON'T SAY FOR 30 DAYS"

How Old are You?

Uncle Billy Sezs

When you reach a point in life it seems everyone wants to know how old you are.   In my case they are probably trying to see how much longer they might have to put up with me.   If you manage to remain civil, do what I do.  I say, "I'm not looking forward to fifty."   Quickly change the subject.   I almost look forward to the question now.  The questioner stands looking puzzled and I didn't have to lie.  What I said is true, I'm not looking "forward"  because I passed fifty some time ago.          

Unhappy with your accommodations, Speak Out!

Uncle Billy Thinks

In Los Vegas an unruly woman strapped down in a restraint chair and with a spit bag over her head shouted,
"I'LL NEVER BE ARRESTED IN LOS VEGAS AGAIN !!!!           LOS ANGELES IS MUCH BETTER!!!!!                Thanks to her, next time I get arrested I know where I want it to be.

Solving the Abortion Controversy

Uncle Billy Thinks

My idea about solving the abortion controversy is to reverse evolution so that women lay their eggs instead of giving birth.       Then the only question is, do you sit on them or have them for breakfast.

Enticing

Uncle Billy Thinks

Getting older is not so bad.   As we get older we actually become more enticing...........................to wild animals.  They know we can't run as fast as we used to.