Come back on Monday

                                                                         Uncle Billy Thinks

During an appointment with my doctor I was feeling down.  I said,"Doc, why don't you take me out back and shoot me."      He was at the top of his game that morning and said, "You'll have to come back.  We don't do that on Fridays.

Got Class?

                                                                       Uncle Billy Thinks

Class is about conduct.   I used to tell my son, "No matter how much or how little you have, if you act like trash you are trash.            I wish someone would have told those "real housewives" that.

 

It could be worse

                                                                        Uncle Billy Thinks
                                                                               

        I asked a man in my favorite bar how he was doing.   He said, "I'm still above ground."

Glad the world is Round

                                                                    Uncle Billy Thinks                                                                                         

I'm glad the world is round, because if you go the wrong way long enough it becomes the right way.

Christmas or Holiday Tree

                                                     Uncle Billy Thinks

Well, I spazzed out on the Face book thing today.  While I don't claim to be a Christian, I do believe the teachings of Christ are good to live by and am bewildered that people who proudly wear the label spend so much time fretting and getting themselves fired up over silly things that have nothing to do with living a Christlike life.(I know, run on sentence-so give me a "c").   Every year while the less fortunate go without and those who have, have and want desperately for more; so called Christians start harping about those of us who use Xmas or Holiday.   Every year there is a Democrat in the White House some God fearing Christian decides to break the 9th commandment and say the White House brazenly called the 'Christ'mas tree a  Holiday tree.  I guess breaking  9th commandment is a small price to pay to stir up some hate against the President.  Someone on my "friends" network posted this "holiday or Christmas" tree silliness and this was my response(more or less):

                                      This is not  a "holiday tree"    It's a Christmas tree!      Agree?

Well Christmas is a Holiday.  Why not call it a Christmas Holiday tree or a Holiday Christmas tree or a Victorian Holiday Christmas tree or a German tradition Victorian Holiday Christmas tree or perhaps a Winter Solstice German tradition Victorian Holiday Christmas tree.   We might also call it an evergreen tree or a Norway spruce tree or a Frazer Pine tree or a fake Frazer Pine no smell Holiday Christmas tree with baubles or a Natural Frazer Fir with smell Christmas Holiday Soltice tree with lights, beads and baubles tree.
I'm sure I missed a few.  Don't we have more "Christian" things to work on than what we call a tree?   Do we really think Christ would give a damn what we called a tree he never even saw.  A tree that was only a part of our Christian tradition for about 150 years.   So Merry Christmas lets focus on helping our needy.

Going to Los Vegas for 30 Days"

                                                                       Uncle Billy Thinks

 

I have been on a quest for about a year to try to be a better person.   I have started keeping a journal and I am trying to overcome my tendency to be so judgmental.  I have been going to a little sports bar downtown. Where I can get a 12oz. draught beer for $l.00.  I write in my journal (loud rapp music in the background), drink two beers, tip Olivia the bar maid $1.00 and leave.  During my time there I have met a crack dealer, crack heads, 1 whore and a lot of good of good hardworking underpaid people.   I have made some good friends.     That's enough background for now.  One night (before I learned her line of work) this tiny little Puerto Rican woman I had noticed before came over to me and in a very animated way said, "This town isn't big enough for me!  I need a much bigger city!  Someplace exciting!   This town isn't big enough!    "I'm going to Los Vegas for 30 days!!!

To this day I still don't know her name or why she decided to tell me of her travel plans.  I gave her the required attention and diligently began again writing in my journal so as not to get any more details.

I thought about her plans and something just didn't seem right.  I thought the next time I see her I going to have some fun and kid her about it.   A night or two later I saw her and said,   "You know how you told me you were going to Los Vegas for 30 days.  I bet you're going to Dauphin County Prison for 30 days."

I was just kidding, but judging from how mad she got, I'm pretty sure I was right.   I realized what was strange about what she said.  Who says he or she is going anywhere for 30 days unless it involves iron bars.

When I learned of her occupation and talked to some of my other friends I'm sure I was right.

I learned from this that if I have to serve 30 days in prison and don't want anyone to know, I'll tell them I'm going on a long vacation and I'll be gone around a month.    "BUT I WON'T SAY FOR 30 DAYS"

Finished Basements Destroy our Society

Uncle Billy Sezs

It is my firm belief that finished basements are destroying our society.  I know it sounds funny, but just listen to my thoughts and you might not think I'm as crazy as at first it may seem.   In my work I see it all the time.

If you watch any of the "home" shows on TV aside from stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops and                                                                                                                     

three and one half baths; every 3 bedroom home must have a finished basement.  The predominant belief is that without all these things, but most importantly the finished basement, the house might as well not have indoor plumbing.  It just isn't livable.    Why is this feature as important as the air we breath?   The reason always given is, "a place for the children to spend their time."  In these times I understand that both parents not only want to work, but need to work.   When both parents are home at dinner time, I have been in homes where the children run up stairs, grab their dinner and run back down stairs to continue what they are doing.  The parents watch TV upstairs and the children do whatever they do downstairs.   My question is when do these parents influence their children's development?   It doesn't surprise me that parents don't know their children are stock piling prescription drugs or weapons or making bombs in the basement.   Thank you for listening to the ravings of crazy Uncle Billy.   Just give it a little thought.  Your children should be the most important thing in your life.  Shouldn't they spend their evenings with you instead of in a basement?

                                                                                        

How Old are You?

Uncle Billy Sezs

When you reach a point in life it seems everyone wants to know how old you are.   In my case they are probably trying to see how much longer they might have to put up with me.   If you manage to remain civil, do what I do.  I say, "I'm not looking forward to fifty."   Quickly change the subject.   I almost look forward to the question now.  The questioner stands looking puzzled and I didn't have to lie.  What I said is true, I'm not looking "forward"  because I passed fifty some time ago.          

Unhappy with your accommodations, Speak Out!

Uncle Billy Thinks

In Los Vegas an unruly woman strapped down in a restraint chair and with a spit bag over her head shouted,
"I'LL NEVER BE ARRESTED IN LOS VEGAS AGAIN !!!!           LOS ANGELES IS MUCH BETTER!!!!!                Thanks to her, next time I get arrested I know where I want it to be.

Solving the Abortion Controversy

Uncle Billy Thinks

My idea about solving the abortion controversy is to reverse evolution so that women lay their eggs instead of giving birth.       Then the only question is, do you sit on them or have them for breakfast.

Enticing

Uncle Billy Thinks

Getting older is not so bad.   As we get older we actually become more enticing...........................to wild animals.  They know we can't run as fast as we used to.